To the one who left,
Hi, it’s been years and I came to realize that seeing you again would trigger the chaos in me. I wanted you to know that no matter how many years have passed the scars you left are still here just waiting for the right moment to pounce at me back.
That seeing your eyes, those intense brown eyes that stared at me once lovingly became the eyes i wanted to hide myself from. Your voice that calmed the hurricanes in my heart is now the thunder that claps, warning me that a storm is to come.
I can still remember when your hugs were warmer than the morning sun, calming the waves inside of me. But now I shudder in fear every time I remember how it felt like in your embrace, and your hands don’t fit the spaces of my fingers like it did.
I used to memorize the moles on your face, the smiles that crept in your lips whenever you say my name. But now I’m grimacing at the thought of you calling out because right now I am anxious at the thought of seeing you again.
It’s like I’m losing oxygen and a million alarms and warning shots is blaring inside my brain. That seeing you would trigger the mess of what you left of me. Memories will hunt me down and I’m not yet brave enough to fight back.
You were everything to me once, the sun to my morning, the moon to my sky. You gave me calm and hurricanes all at once but you left me broken and empty inside.
I ran away as far as i could. It’s been a year but the pain is still aching somewhere deep in my heart. I don’t want to see you again, but a part of me is begging, wanting to test how much stronger I’ve become since you left.
But I know seeing you will pull the trigger and I’m the target right ahead. I don’t want to be the one to pull the trigger to my heart like you did once, twice and I surrendered, I lost count because all I ever did in the after math is to survive.
Still not okay,
The one left behind
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