I saw her again. She was looking at me straight in the eyes wearing that despicable smile on her face. Her eyebrows raised and she let out a sigh. She mouthed the words that pierced my heart; she said I will never be happy. One look and I know, I felt that familiar tug in my heart. Slamming my palms on the table, I faced her with rage in my eyes and hatred in my heart.
She is my mortal enemy, the one who always drags me down. She is me. Sometimes she’s anxiety, at night she turns off the light of my world, turning my happiness into nothing but darkness, but most of the time she’s depression. And I am a warrior fighting endless wars, over and over.
Most of the time I can beat her, when the sunlight hits my bed sheets making me feel warm. I can beat her when I’m all alone with brushes in my hands, paint all over my room. I know I can beat her when I see the people I value and love the most. But there’s always something she demands, take backs, which I hated and feared the most.
After having fun for one or two hours, something bad, something sad always throws my will and happiness over. I cower in fear at night, cursing myself of feeling this way when I know there will always be another day to be better. So the next day, I woke up again, ready to fight, knowing another battle will begin.
Walking down the street I see familiar faces, familiar happenings, passing by a window I saw my reflection, and I saw her again. Something’s burning in her eyes.
An old man looks at me and goose bumps started all over my body, I can hear her scream inside my head, “Run! Coward! They’re looking at you! You are nothing!” and I close my eyes and force myself to be calm. More people pass by and I look into their eyes, asking “what do they see? Can they see the demon inside of me?” but no, not one soul. So I sat down, I am inside a church. Peace. Silence. She’s gone, for a while.
See, I am no saint. I don’t go to church often. I am angry at God for things I feel for all the things happening to me. But guess what? I still talk to him. Funny how people think depressed people have no faith. So there I was, facing the altar, talking silently to the only person who understands, when one child approaches me. “Hi. Why are you alone?” I like kids, I really do.
I smiled at her and said “oh, I’m not alone. I’m with him.” I pointed to the altar. “You have pretty eyes, but why are they sad?” then and there I was caught off guard. How? Did she see her? I wasn’t frowning, I was smiling at her. “Why are you smiling when you’re sad?” I looked back at the altar forcing myself not to sob.
“Oh no, no, I am not sad. Actually I am very happy, you want to know why?” she stood up and gave me a piece of her cotton candy. “No, I already know why. Because you are not alone, right? You are with him.” She pointed at the altar and left me there. Speechless. But now I know, I’m fighting a battle but will never lose the war.
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